Just Checking In...

Not much is going on, then again, it's the wee, early hours of the morning.

Thursdays have become difficult. I don't for certain know why, but I wonder if Thursdays are hard for you. Do you arrive at each Thursday morning and remember the last normal one you had here? Do you wish you had that day to do over? Would you have made better choices? Is my heart-ache on those days really your anguish that you are trying to communicate?

Last night I prayed to God that we might see you again, but here, on this side of heaven's door. I'll be honest with you, John, seeing you again is going to break my heart because it will prove - again - that you aren't HERE, but that you've moved on to THERE.

But I miss you, kiddo. I miss sitting on the couch with you, yakking about everything and nothing. I miss seeing you think something out, reaching new thoughts or conclusions. How I miss seeing you make us laugh. Do you remember when you were so frustrated as a child because you just couldn't think of funny retorts as quickly as we could? How far you've come...

I thought I heard you whistle last Sunday during a football game. Your Dad said you called his name twice while he was working on the truck. I know he misses you every time he steps into the garage or waxes one of the cars... but you know that, don't you?

I can feel you reading this over my shoulder and I know you are near. Ha - you hate to read, don't you? I'm just not ready to talk to you out loud, kiddo. I've tried (and you know that, too, don't you?) Know that what you hear in my voice is only my own pain and frustration. I love you and I miss you and I simply don't want you gone.

We are trying, John, we really are, to be happy. I know you want that more than anything. I know you always hated when anyone was unhappy. Do you know how proud I was of you when Alex read your eulogy? (Yeah, I know, I spelled that wrong.) All I could think was that the young man we loved, was the same person they knew and loved, and would miss.

Oh, kiddo.... Not much else to say... but I know that you are near.