Hi Out There

Hey, Kiddo...

Yesterday was the 4th of July. Are fireworks awesome from heaven?

I can't believe it's been a year. I still expect you to walk through the door. I still want you to. We all still need you to.

Your Dad seems to be okay, but he still has his moments.

You know, kiddo, I'm still asking , "Why?"

Kelsey's come into our life now. It's nice having someone new to share you with, but Johnny, she really needs YOU in her life. She needs to know it can all turn out okay, and yes, your Dad and I are nuts, a little strange, but we love you, in spite of it all.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were rough. What I wasn't expecting, was New Year's Eve. The ball dropped, and your Dad and I burst into tears. The fireworks were bittersweet.

Mother's Dad was aweful. I'm so grateful for our friends at the Church. I thought about your Mom a lot on that day. I wanted to call her, but I didn't know what to say.

Father's Day had rough spots. But when I asked your Dad if he wanted to go see you, and he responded, "No, I think John should come see ME!" we both laughed and I knew we were going to be okay. He got a chocolate bar at church because he's your Dad, still.

I keep looking at the clock and remembering the time line Trish gave us, and I want to scream, "WHY DIDN'T THEY PUMP YOUR STOMACH SOONER!??!?!?!" But no one answers the cries of my mind...

Still can't help thinking "what if..."

I'd like to be able to tell you that because of your death, something good has happened... but if it has, I don't know what it is. I want to do something meaninful in your honor, but all the things I come up with, don't fill the void in my heart. I want to go somewhere and feel connected to you, but honestly, that place is frequenlty in the truck when I'm driving to work. And sometimes I can sense you and feel your hand on my shoulder and I just want to hold your hand again.

I saw the arm of a guy the other day and it reminded me of you.

There is a bagger at Publix that looks a lot like a younger you, and I have to remind myself to not stare at him. But seeing him always makes me smile.

Occasionally, Zora will stare down the hall, ears pointed forward, and I swear she's looking at you.

Did Willie give you all of our messages when he got there? I can't believe God took him, too. What do you need a cat for up there? Don't you already have a couple? Was Selena waiting for you at the gate? She must have been biserk seeing you and being able to romp all over the place like a puppy.

I'm getting better at talking out loud to you, but it's still easier for me to give my messages to God. Is He way cool or what?

Well, kiddo, the countdown is officially on... waiting for the 18th is like waiting for you to die all over again. I didn't want that, and I sure don't want this, either. I've decided I hate the month of July.

Love you.

Miss you.

Jennifer