Arrival of 2009

Hey, Kiddo, it's 2009. Another year has gone by. I remember last New Year's Eve, when we heralded in 2008, and said goodbye to 2007. At the stroke of midnight, when the ball dropped, your dad and I embraced each other and broke down into sobs. I know in my own mind, I could not imagine an entire year, 365 days, without seeing your face, hearing your laugh, or seeing your smile.

This year, when the ball dropped (although none of us recall actually seeing it drop), there was no grief, no agony. Looking back, I realized that you have been with us, and that you are still here. I still see you on a regular basis, although I can't say for certain when or where. I still see your smiling face, I still hear your laugh, and your whistling.

I also still get angry when I think about the things you should have done, should have seen but less often do I break down into agony. It's not that I miss you any less, it's just that my heart is getting used to how things have to be, for now.

I try to take comfort in seeing you again one day. And there is a decided comfort in knowing we'll all be together, but at times, that seems so far away. "Love will keep us together", right? I still believe that and the Bible tells me it's true.

We have some big plans for 2009. Your Dad is going back to school if you can believe that! (It took 10 years to see that prayer realized!) We are still trying to bring another child into our home, and heaven knows we will undertake some big home improvement project this year, too.

I miss you, kiddo. I still wish you were here and that so many things could be done over again. I wish with all my being that we didn't lose you so soon, and that the final good-bye didn't come way too soon...

We are going to the cemetary today, after church. Although it's a beautiful, peaceful place, I know you aren't there. You are here, with me, in my heart. And I love you. And that love will always be greater than my grief.

Until we are on the other side of heaven's door together, I'll be missing you. But I know I'll see you again soon. Just not soon enough, you know?

I can't end this post without telling you that, yes, I did see you in the back of Pop-Pop's car the day we picked it up from getting painted. I saw your big ol' grin and I smiled right back at you. You silly kid. You still make me smile.

I truly hope that you found peace, John. I know your young life was filled with turmoil that you tried hard to hide. I only wish we had known more then, and could do more know than wish for what could have been.

Love,
Jennifer