Bits and Pieces from My World

On the elevator

2009-02-03T08:11:00.002-05:00

This morning, on the radio, they asked this question:
If you were stuck on an elevator with Jesus, what would you ask Him?

I would ask Him if you were in heaven.

Because quite frankly, I don't know... I know what I want to believe, and what I hope to be true... but I just don't know...

I fell short in my responsibility as your stepmom and as a follower of Christ, to witness to you as I should have. It will be a burden on my heart until I see "face to face" and know the truth.

I wish I had the belief, as some religions do, that I could "pray you into heaven". Were that possible, I would pray without ceasing, on my knees and on my face until I see the other side of heaven's door.

But my faith and my beliefs tell me that your walk with Christ, your decision to follow and accept Him, was soley yours, and not mine at all.

I want to believe that you are at peace on the other side of Heaven's door... I do pray that you heard me on that last day and you did accept Him. I do earnestly pray that love will keep us together, on this side and through to the other.

I'm sorry I fell so short on this responsibility that was far greater than any other I had to you.

I truly hope, beloved son, that you do rest in peace.

Arrival of 2009

2009-01-04T06:01:00.004-05:00

Hey, Kiddo, it's 2009. Another year has gone by. I remember last New Year's Eve, when we heralded in 2008, and said goodbye to 2007. At the stroke of midnight, when the ball dropped, your dad and I embraced each other and broke down into sobs. I know in my own mind, I could not imagine an entire year, 365 days, without seeing your face, hearing your laugh, or seeing your smile.

This year, when the ball dropped (although none of us recall actually seeing it drop), there was no grief, no agony. Looking back, I realized that you have been with us, and that you are still here. I still see you on a regular basis, although I can't say for certain when or where. I still see your smiling face, I still hear your laugh, and your whistling.

I also still get angry when I think about the things you should have done, should have seen but less often do I break down into agony. It's not that I miss you any less, it's just that my heart is getting used to how things have to be, for now.

I try to take comfort in seeing you again one day. And there is a decided comfort in knowing we'll all be together, but at times, that seems so far away. "Love will keep us together", right? I still believe that and the Bible tells me it's true.

We have some big plans for 2009. Your Dad is going back to school if you can believe that! (It took 10 years to see that prayer realized!) We are still trying to bring another child into our home, and heaven knows we will undertake some big home improvement project this year, too.

I miss you, kiddo. I still wish you were here and that so many things could be done over again. I wish with all my being that we didn't lose you so soon, and that the final good-bye didn't come way too soon...

We are going to the cemetary today, after church. Although it's a beautiful, peaceful place, I know you aren't there. You are here, with me, in my heart. And I love you. And that love will always be greater than my grief.

Until we are on the other side of heaven's door together, I'll be missing you. But I know I'll see you again soon. Just not soon enough, you know?

I can't end this post without telling you that, yes, I did see you in the back of Pop-Pop's car the day we picked it up from getting painted. I saw your big ol' grin and I smiled right back at you. You silly kid. You still make me smile.

I truly hope that you found peace, John. I know your young life was filled with turmoil that you tried hard to hide. I only wish we had known more then, and could do more know than wish for what could have been.

Love,
Jennifer

Hi Out There

2008-07-05T23:08:00.003-04:00

Hey, Kiddo...

Yesterday was the 4th of July. Are fireworks awesome from heaven?

I can't believe it's been a year. I still expect you to walk through the door. I still want you to. We all still need you to.

Your Dad seems to be okay, but he still has his moments.

You know, kiddo, I'm still asking , "Why?"

Kelsey's come into our life now. It's nice having someone new to share you with, but Johnny, she really needs YOU in her life. She needs to know it can all turn out okay, and yes, your Dad and I are nuts, a little strange, but we love you, in spite of it all.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were rough. What I wasn't expecting, was New Year's Eve. The ball dropped, and your Dad and I burst into tears. The fireworks were bittersweet.

Mother's Dad was aweful. I'm so grateful for our friends at the Church. I thought about your Mom a lot on that day. I wanted to call her, but I didn't know what to say.

Father's Day had rough spots. But when I asked your Dad if he wanted to go see you, and he responded, "No, I think John should come see ME!" we both laughed and I knew we were going to be okay. He got a chocolate bar at church because he's your Dad, still.

I keep looking at the clock and remembering the time line Trish gave us, and I want to scream, "WHY DIDN'T THEY PUMP YOUR STOMACH SOONER!??!?!?!" But no one answers the cries of my mind...

Still can't help thinking "what if..."

I'd like to be able to tell you that because of your death, something good has happened... but if it has, I don't know what it is. I want to do something meaninful in your honor, but all the things I come up with, don't fill the void in my heart. I want to go somewhere and feel connected to you, but honestly, that place is frequenlty in the truck when I'm driving to work. And sometimes I can sense you and feel your hand on my shoulder and I just want to hold your hand again.

I saw the arm of a guy the other day and it reminded me of you.

There is a bagger at Publix that looks a lot like a younger you, and I have to remind myself to not stare at him. But seeing him always makes me smile.

Occasionally, Zora will stare down the hall, ears pointed forward, and I swear she's looking at you.

Did Willie give you all of our messages when he got there? I can't believe God took him, too. What do you need a cat for up there? Don't you already have a couple? Was Selena waiting for you at the gate? She must have been biserk seeing you and being able to romp all over the place like a puppy.

I'm getting better at talking out loud to you, but it's still easier for me to give my messages to God. Is He way cool or what?

Well, kiddo, the countdown is officially on... waiting for the 18th is like waiting for you to die all over again. I didn't want that, and I sure don't want this, either. I've decided I hate the month of July.

Love you.

Miss you.

Jennifer

Almost a year

2008-07-05T23:03:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, June 6th is the one year anniversary of when John went into the hospital. I thought that I had remembered how to breath again, but I'm finding that's not the case.

At work, we have the priviledge of attending chapel on campus during the week. During the summer, it's Thursdays. This past Thursday, the speaker was the Dean of the school of ministry. He spoke on Psalm 23 focusing on "walk through".

He said when we find ourselves in a valley, we often want to run through it to the other side. I wanted to tell him that he's wrong. My worst valley, last summer, I wanted it to last forever. And right now, as the days to June 18th get closer, I don't want them to happen too quickly, either. I find myself wondering again how is it possible that time is moving on?

Jennifer

Home by Chris Daugherty

2007-11-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

Home by Chris Daugherty

I'm staring out into the night
And trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love can feel
but they dont live the cost of fame
In pain it feels a different kind of pain
I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you.... babe
And I've always been the best man and friend for you
To love and make true and I dont know why
You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me
I'm running from
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
Be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
you just might get it all and then some
you dont want be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all
I'm going home to the place where I belong
Where your love has always been enough for me
And I'm running from..
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home

4 months down the road

2007-11-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

Hi, there... sorry it's been so long since I've checked in. Don't think for a minute that you haven't been with me and in my thoughts just about every minute of every day the past 4 months...

Yesterday, Nov. 18, marked 4 months since your death on July 18th. Thursday will be our first Thanksgiving without you here on earth. Everytime I think of mashed potatoes, I think of how you loved them. I made a bunch of pumpkin-pie cheesecakes this weekend. I remembered how we colored the filling one year and smiled at the memory. It was not as hard to make the cheesecake this time as the first time I made one after you were gone. But it still hurt and it still made me sad.

Pop Pop is coming down today. It will be the first time he's been at the house since before you died. I guess the last time he was here was for Easter. I can't believe how much time has gone by and the year is almost over. I am dreading New Year's this year. How on earth do we mark the beginning of a full calendar year without you here?

It is so strange, John. I know you are not here, but I still look for you. I hate the idea that I might see you in the shadows of a dark room, because that would mean that you are really gone from this earth. Oh, how I want for it to not be true. But at the same time I long for a sign that you are okay and that you are near. Good grief, but I miss you.

Your Dad is looking tired these days. I know he misses you but he doesn't talk much about you. There is such a burden on his heart because he misses his buddy. He's so lonely and broken-hearted without you, kiddo.

Mom actually brought up your death in conversation yesterday. She misses you, too. I think in some ways Thanksgiving will be hardest of all on her. She loved cooking for you, maybe even more than I did. Hard to believe, huh?

It all seems so unreal, John. I saw you in the hospital every day, and I watched you die. I saw you change before my eyes, and watched your body break down (which broke my heart). I saw your body at your funeral, but it didn't look like you. It looked like a bad stunt double. I just can't believe that you are gone. I can't accept that we won't see you again for a very long time, and never again in this place.

I cannot fathom this pain in my chest for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do for your Dad and I miss who he was before you died. I want us to be truly happy again, but I don't know if that is even possible. We are no longer just your parents. We have become a couple who have lost a child to drugs; to bad choices; to death.

Your Dad said you had to die so others would learn a lesson. I say that's a load of crap. There are so many other, better lessons that could have been learned by your example. I can't, I don't, and I won't accept his reason. You could have been, could have done, so much more, for so many. Your death was stupid and could have been prevented, but you made bad choices and although you paid the ultimate price, we have to bear the consequences.

But all that being said, John, I am so thankful to have had you in my life, even for a short time. We never felt like we had enough time with you and now we never will. I miss you, kiddo. Happy Thanksgiving.

From me to you or from you to me?

2007-10-04T15:56:00.000-04:00

You Know Where to Find Me / Matthew West

I saw your sky fall down today
Suddenly turn from blue to gray
'Til one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain from you
But I've never felt so helpless
It's like you're drowning right in front of me
And I'm reaching out but you can't see
There's something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all
I'll say to you tonight

If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side

If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the whys
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to remember

If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side

If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the why's
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to
I need you to remember

If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side

Rainbow's Promise

2007-09-28T03:55:00.000-04:00

On the Friday that you were moved to the hospice floor, it rained. Big surprise for summer in FL.

As I left work (short days on Friday in the summer) I asked God for a sign that you were going to be okay. I looked over my shoulder, and there was a piece of a rainbow in the sky, among the dark clouds. I smiled, and my heart felt lighter. When I turned around again, it was gone. but that moment gave me hope and I knew God heard my prayer.

One day this week, as I was leaving for work, I saw another raindbow, completely unexpected, and it lifted my spirits, gave me hope for the day, and I smiled, and I thougth of you.

I know you hated when I called you "Sunshine" but you know what, John? God is still using you to bring joy - and sunshine - into our dark days.

There is such comfort that you are with such an awesome heavenly Father. I know there is no one else that could love you even more than your Dad here, except That One.

We'll see you again, Sunshine :)

Just Checking In...

2007-09-28T03:38:00.000-04:00

Not much is going on, then again, it's the wee, early hours of the morning.

Thursdays have become difficult. I don't for certain know why, but I wonder if Thursdays are hard for you. Do you arrive at each Thursday morning and remember the last normal one you had here? Do you wish you had that day to do over? Would you have made better choices? Is my heart-ache on those days really your anguish that you are trying to communicate?

Last night I prayed to God that we might see you again, but here, on this side of heaven's door. I'll be honest with you, John, seeing you again is going to break my heart because it will prove - again - that you aren't HERE, but that you've moved on to THERE.

But I miss you, kiddo. I miss sitting on the couch with you, yakking about everything and nothing. I miss seeing you think something out, reaching new thoughts or conclusions. How I miss seeing you make us laugh. Do you remember when you were so frustrated as a child because you just couldn't think of funny retorts as quickly as we could? How far you've come...

I thought I heard you whistle last Sunday during a football game. Your Dad said you called his name twice while he was working on the truck. I know he misses you every time he steps into the garage or waxes one of the cars... but you know that, don't you?

I can feel you reading this over my shoulder and I know you are near. Ha - you hate to read, don't you? I'm just not ready to talk to you out loud, kiddo. I've tried (and you know that, too, don't you?) Know that what you hear in my voice is only my own pain and frustration. I love you and I miss you and I simply don't want you gone.

We are trying, John, we really are, to be happy. I know you want that more than anything. I know you always hated when anyone was unhappy. Do you know how proud I was of you when Alex read your eulogy? (Yeah, I know, I spelled that wrong.) All I could think was that the young man we loved, was the same person they knew and loved, and would miss.

Oh, kiddo.... Not much else to say... but I know that you are near.

What did we miss?

2007-09-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

Everytime I look at his picture, I can't help but look into his eyes and ask him "What did we miss? What didn't we see?"

The "What ifs...." and "If only's..." have started. But the "What did we miss?" haunts me the most. What didn't we realize? The useless gift of hindsight gives me more questions, and fewer answers. I wonder if he had bi-polar disorder and we just missed it. Was he depressed and hide it well? Was it just one more party, and this one went terribly wrong?

Why?
Why?
Why...

If only...

If only we could go back...
If we only had one more day...
If we had said less...
If we had said more...
If we did this and didn't do that....

What could have made a difference? Could we have made a difference? What magic words would have given him less confidence in being invincable, and more belief in possibly tragedy?

Why can't we turn back time?
Why don't humans have reset buttons?
Why wasn't our love enough to bring him back, to save him?

Almost a month now

2007-08-14T09:10:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow will be on month, 4 weeks, since you left us for a better place. I don't think I'm breathing and I didn't know you could cry without shedding a tear.

I remember asking your Dad which was worse - watching you die or having you gone and never being able to hold your hand again or spend time with you, even if it was in that gawd-aweful place, surrounded by death and forced acceptance.

It was never your time and it was not for the best. I miss you. You being gone will never be okay.

I don't want you looking over my shoulder or watching out for us from heaven. I want you here when I can see you, hold you, laugh and smile with you... Even nag you to clean up your mess or call your Dad...

My chest hurts. I think it's where my heart used to be.

Anguish

2007-08-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

Nothing is going to bring him back, so no, talking will not change that.

However, if her office gives you a place to vent and explore your feelings and emotions, then continue seeing her. I know I’m not ready to talk to anyone…

In time, the pain will not be so raw and your grief will not overwhelm you as often. That awful feeling that you can’t breathe and your chest is being crushed won’t be as frequent. The inability to move, work, think, will fade and you’ll find that you are able to focus and not stare into space or at your desktop with your mind and body both numb and in an extraordinary amount of pain.

It’s not going to change overnight or tomorrow or even next week. I don’t know when the change will come. I just pray every day that somehow we will through each moment and living will not be so hard.

Today's date

2007-08-03T10:46:00.001-04:00

How is it possible that the date has changed when I don't remember even breathing? How is it possible for one day to move to the next when we don't even know how we are going to live without you? Without your smile, without your sense of humor, without your arm around my shoulders, always ready with a hug?

How is it possible that we have turned the page on the calendar, and you weren't here to know about it?

How is it possible for my heart to break time and time again when it hasn't even healed yet?

Johnny, we love you. You are so missed by all of us... for all the times you have broken my heart in the past, this time is by far the worst. Do you know how much we needed you?

You will always be our son, our boy. I never wanted you for a guardian angel.

Adoption Saga Continues

2007-06-20T20:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I spoke with our case worker today. I was hoping she would tell me that she had been working on revising our home study and was just about done. Ha! Instead she tells me that she needs our file from the Program Director, but that person is on vacation until Monday. Apparenlty she didn't know that when she spoke with me last week. Amazing considering she had just spoken with that same person to get the information she gave me.

Well, if that's not frustrating enough, our case worker goes on vacation next Thursday. She told me we shouldn't expect anything to get done until after July 10th. JULY 10TH! I was floored. I find it hard to believe that no one can get our file from the Program Director's office. Like that person's boss maybe?

Here's the other part of my frustration. We were told (as a class) that summer is the best time for visitation with the children. They aren't in school, they are more available, time's not so constrained, etc. That being said, we can't even get our stinking home study finished so we can meet the child that was mentioned to us IN MARCH because the 2 people who need to get together to get this done are on seperate vacations for what amounts to the next month!
I work for a government funded organization. During peak times, I am not allowed to take vacation time. That includes Christmas and New Years, not to mention about 5 other times during the year. WHY this organization can take time during what is their peak time is beyond my comprehension.
So I emailed the Governor of the great state of FL... I got a great response from his office the first time I emailed him - truly. I went so far as to tell him the next time he's in the area, my husband and I would be happy to meet with him and tell him our saga so far. I hope he has a couple of hours...

Dyson Vacume

2007-06-20T20:39:00.000-04:00

I am not a cleaning freak. "Clean enough to healthy, dirty enough to be happy" is probably the most accurate philosophy. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats so the house stays clean for about 30 minutes after any given cleaning spree.

That being said, I love a clean house! No dust on anything, the carpets look good, the bathrooms are tidy - and heaven be praised - I can see the kitchen counters! We have a great vacume that filters through water. It also works as a hot water extractor and does a marvelous job. Unfortunalty, it's a pain to assemble, and totally gross to clean out when you're done. I found a great coupon for our local "warehouse shop" for a dyson vacume. I had heard about it and given the astronomical price tag, figured I'd never know from first hand experience. I mentioned it to my hubby, who truthfully does more cleaning than I do. He did some research online and agreed we should give it a try.

We brought the beast home, assembled it, and gave it a whirl. The only word to descrive the experience is "WOW!!!!" And truthfully, I'm not all that into vacumes, but this thing was incredible. It actually pulled the area rugs off the floor while cleaning them. We have tile floors and it was remarkable how clean they felt just from being vacumed. (It also got all the dust that settles into the grout.) The amount of hair, dirt, and sand collected in the bin (we live in FL) never fails to amaze me. We usually empty it twice for the entire house. The air actually feels better when we are done since the exhaust goes through a filter so it's not pumping dirt back into the air.

The extension house still frustrates me. I find it hard to get out of the holster but it's the first "wand" I've used that actually has the power to do a good job.

You should have seen the look on my husband's face when I told him I was posting a new blog about the vacume :) Priceless.

Adoption Woes

2007-06-14T03:31:00.000-04:00

We have been trying to adopt since last fall. We are attempting to work with the great state of FL, but it's been up up hill battle. First they try and discourage you with the application. Then it's 10 weeks of classses. Then it's working with an underpaid, under-trained, case worker who takes all her notes in long hand in a spiral notebook. We finally got tentative good news yesterday that we may have an approved home study in the next month. Yes, month. It's taken them 3 months to get to this point. There was a very discouraging article in the Sun-Sentinal (June 11, 2007) on how long it takes to adopt in state.

You know, you think you are doing the right thing to try and help a child in need in your community, but these organizations are so difficult to work with. We can't afford an over-seas adoption, and I really want an American child. I want our child to grow up and look like us, relate to us, proud to be an American...

We have so much love to give and this process breaks my heart. Empty arms, aching heart, pounding head...

My new blog

2007-06-05T18:39:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my blog. Please feel free to post your comments.