This morning, on the radio, they asked this question:
If you were stuck on an elevator with Jesus, what would you ask Him?
I would ask Him if you were in heaven.
Because quite frankly, I don't know... I know what I want to believe, and what I hope to be true... but I just don't know...
I fell short in my responsibility as your stepmom and as a follower of Christ, to witness to you as I should have. It will be a burden on my heart until I see "face to face" and know the truth.
I wish I had the belief, as some religions do, that I could "pray you into heaven". Were that possible, I would pray without ceasing, on my knees and on my face until I see the other side of heaven's door.
But my faith and my beliefs tell me that your walk with Christ, your decision to follow and accept Him, was soley yours, and not mine at all.
I want to believe that you are at peace on the other side of Heaven's door... I do pray that you heard me on that last day and you did accept Him. I do earnestly pray that love will keep us together, on this side and through to the other.
I'm sorry I fell so short on this responsibility that was far greater than any other I had to you.
I truly hope, beloved son, that you do rest in peace.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Arrival of 2009
Hey, Kiddo, it's 2009. Another year has gone by. I remember last New Year's Eve, when we heralded in 2008, and said goodbye to 2007. At the stroke of midnight, when the ball dropped, your dad and I embraced each other and broke down into sobs. I know in my own mind, I could not imagine an entire year, 365 days, without seeing your face, hearing your laugh, or seeing your smile.
This year, when the ball dropped (although none of us recall actually seeing it drop), there was no grief, no agony. Looking back, I realized that you have been with us, and that you are still here. I still see you on a regular basis, although I can't say for certain when or where. I still see your smiling face, I still hear your laugh, and your whistling.
I also still get angry when I think about the things you should have done, should have seen but less often do I break down into agony. It's not that I miss you any less, it's just that my heart is getting used to how things have to be, for now.
I try to take comfort in seeing you again one day. And there is a decided comfort in knowing we'll all be together, but at times, that seems so far away. "Love will keep us together", right? I still believe that and the Bible tells me it's true.
We have some big plans for 2009. Your Dad is going back to school if you can believe that! (It took 10 years to see that prayer realized!) We are still trying to bring another child into our home, and heaven knows we will undertake some big home improvement project this year, too.
I miss you, kiddo. I still wish you were here and that so many things could be done over again. I wish with all my being that we didn't lose you so soon, and that the final good-bye didn't come way too soon...
We are going to the cemetary today, after church. Although it's a beautiful, peaceful place, I know you aren't there. You are here, with me, in my heart. And I love you. And that love will always be greater than my grief.
Until we are on the other side of heaven's door together, I'll be missing you. But I know I'll see you again soon. Just not soon enough, you know?
I can't end this post without telling you that, yes, I did see you in the back of Pop-Pop's car the day we picked it up from getting painted. I saw your big ol' grin and I smiled right back at you. You silly kid. You still make me smile.
I truly hope that you found peace, John. I know your young life was filled with turmoil that you tried hard to hide. I only wish we had known more then, and could do more know than wish for what could have been.
Love,
Jennifer
This year, when the ball dropped (although none of us recall actually seeing it drop), there was no grief, no agony. Looking back, I realized that you have been with us, and that you are still here. I still see you on a regular basis, although I can't say for certain when or where. I still see your smiling face, I still hear your laugh, and your whistling.
I also still get angry when I think about the things you should have done, should have seen but less often do I break down into agony. It's not that I miss you any less, it's just that my heart is getting used to how things have to be, for now.
I try to take comfort in seeing you again one day. And there is a decided comfort in knowing we'll all be together, but at times, that seems so far away. "Love will keep us together", right? I still believe that and the Bible tells me it's true.
We have some big plans for 2009. Your Dad is going back to school if you can believe that! (It took 10 years to see that prayer realized!) We are still trying to bring another child into our home, and heaven knows we will undertake some big home improvement project this year, too.
I miss you, kiddo. I still wish you were here and that so many things could be done over again. I wish with all my being that we didn't lose you so soon, and that the final good-bye didn't come way too soon...
We are going to the cemetary today, after church. Although it's a beautiful, peaceful place, I know you aren't there. You are here, with me, in my heart. And I love you. And that love will always be greater than my grief.
Until we are on the other side of heaven's door together, I'll be missing you. But I know I'll see you again soon. Just not soon enough, you know?
I can't end this post without telling you that, yes, I did see you in the back of Pop-Pop's car the day we picked it up from getting painted. I saw your big ol' grin and I smiled right back at you. You silly kid. You still make me smile.
I truly hope that you found peace, John. I know your young life was filled with turmoil that you tried hard to hide. I only wish we had known more then, and could do more know than wish for what could have been.
Love,
Jennifer
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Hi Out There
Hey, Kiddo...
Yesterday was the 4th of July. Are fireworks awesome from heaven?
I can't believe it's been a year. I still expect you to walk through the door. I still want you to. We all still need you to.
Your Dad seems to be okay, but he still has his moments.
You know, kiddo, I'm still asking , "Why?"
Kelsey's come into our life now. It's nice having someone new to share you with, but Johnny, she really needs YOU in her life. She needs to know it can all turn out okay, and yes, your Dad and I are nuts, a little strange, but we love you, in spite of it all.
Thanksgiving and Christmas were rough. What I wasn't expecting, was New Year's Eve. The ball dropped, and your Dad and I burst into tears. The fireworks were bittersweet.
Mother's Dad was aweful. I'm so grateful for our friends at the Church. I thought about your Mom a lot on that day. I wanted to call her, but I didn't know what to say.
Father's Day had rough spots. But when I asked your Dad if he wanted to go see you, and he responded, "No, I think John should come see ME!" we both laughed and I knew we were going to be okay. He got a chocolate bar at church because he's your Dad, still.
I keep looking at the clock and remembering the time line Trish gave us, and I want to scream, "WHY DIDN'T THEY PUMP YOUR STOMACH SOONER!??!?!?!" But no one answers the cries of my mind...
Still can't help thinking "what if..."
I'd like to be able to tell you that because of your death, something good has happened... but if it has, I don't know what it is. I want to do something meaninful in your honor, but all the things I come up with, don't fill the void in my heart. I want to go somewhere and feel connected to you, but honestly, that place is frequenlty in the truck when I'm driving to work. And sometimes I can sense you and feel your hand on my shoulder and I just want to hold your hand again.
I saw the arm of a guy the other day and it reminded me of you.
There is a bagger at Publix that looks a lot like a younger you, and I have to remind myself to not stare at him. But seeing him always makes me smile.
Occasionally, Zora will stare down the hall, ears pointed forward, and I swear she's looking at you.
Did Willie give you all of our messages when he got there? I can't believe God took him, too. What do you need a cat for up there? Don't you already have a couple? Was Selena waiting for you at the gate? She must have been biserk seeing you and being able to romp all over the place like a puppy.
I'm getting better at talking out loud to you, but it's still easier for me to give my messages to God. Is He way cool or what?
Well, kiddo, the countdown is officially on... waiting for the 18th is like waiting for you to die all over again. I didn't want that, and I sure don't want this, either. I've decided I hate the month of July.
Love you.
Miss you.
Jennifer
Yesterday was the 4th of July. Are fireworks awesome from heaven?
I can't believe it's been a year. I still expect you to walk through the door. I still want you to. We all still need you to.
Your Dad seems to be okay, but he still has his moments.
You know, kiddo, I'm still asking , "Why?"
Kelsey's come into our life now. It's nice having someone new to share you with, but Johnny, she really needs YOU in her life. She needs to know it can all turn out okay, and yes, your Dad and I are nuts, a little strange, but we love you, in spite of it all.
Thanksgiving and Christmas were rough. What I wasn't expecting, was New Year's Eve. The ball dropped, and your Dad and I burst into tears. The fireworks were bittersweet.
Mother's Dad was aweful. I'm so grateful for our friends at the Church. I thought about your Mom a lot on that day. I wanted to call her, but I didn't know what to say.
Father's Day had rough spots. But when I asked your Dad if he wanted to go see you, and he responded, "No, I think John should come see ME!" we both laughed and I knew we were going to be okay. He got a chocolate bar at church because he's your Dad, still.
I keep looking at the clock and remembering the time line Trish gave us, and I want to scream, "WHY DIDN'T THEY PUMP YOUR STOMACH SOONER!??!?!?!" But no one answers the cries of my mind...
Still can't help thinking "what if..."
I'd like to be able to tell you that because of your death, something good has happened... but if it has, I don't know what it is. I want to do something meaninful in your honor, but all the things I come up with, don't fill the void in my heart. I want to go somewhere and feel connected to you, but honestly, that place is frequenlty in the truck when I'm driving to work. And sometimes I can sense you and feel your hand on my shoulder and I just want to hold your hand again.
I saw the arm of a guy the other day and it reminded me of you.
There is a bagger at Publix that looks a lot like a younger you, and I have to remind myself to not stare at him. But seeing him always makes me smile.
Occasionally, Zora will stare down the hall, ears pointed forward, and I swear she's looking at you.
Did Willie give you all of our messages when he got there? I can't believe God took him, too. What do you need a cat for up there? Don't you already have a couple? Was Selena waiting for you at the gate? She must have been biserk seeing you and being able to romp all over the place like a puppy.
I'm getting better at talking out loud to you, but it's still easier for me to give my messages to God. Is He way cool or what?
Well, kiddo, the countdown is officially on... waiting for the 18th is like waiting for you to die all over again. I didn't want that, and I sure don't want this, either. I've decided I hate the month of July.
Love you.
Miss you.
Jennifer
Almost a year
Tomorrow, June 6th is the one year anniversary of when John went into the hospital. I thought that I had remembered how to breath again, but I'm finding that's not the case.
At work, we have the priviledge of attending chapel on campus during the week. During the summer, it's Thursdays. This past Thursday, the speaker was the Dean of the school of ministry. He spoke on Psalm 23 focusing on "walk through".
He said when we find ourselves in a valley, we often want to run through it to the other side. I wanted to tell him that he's wrong. My worst valley, last summer, I wanted it to last forever. And right now, as the days to June 18th get closer, I don't want them to happen too quickly, either. I find myself wondering again how is it possible that time is moving on?
Jennifer
At work, we have the priviledge of attending chapel on campus during the week. During the summer, it's Thursdays. This past Thursday, the speaker was the Dean of the school of ministry. He spoke on Psalm 23 focusing on "walk through".
He said when we find ourselves in a valley, we often want to run through it to the other side. I wanted to tell him that he's wrong. My worst valley, last summer, I wanted it to last forever. And right now, as the days to June 18th get closer, I don't want them to happen too quickly, either. I find myself wondering again how is it possible that time is moving on?
Jennifer
Monday, November 19, 2007
Home by Chris Daugherty
Home by Chris Daugherty
I'm staring out into the night
And trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love can feel
but they dont live the cost of fame
In pain it feels a different kind of pain
I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you.... babe
And I've always been the best man and friend for you
To love and make true and I dont know why
You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me
I'm running from
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
Be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
you just might get it all and then some
you dont want be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all
I'm going home to the place where I belong
Where your love has always been enough for me
And I'm running from..
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home
I'm staring out into the night
And trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love can feel
but they dont live the cost of fame
In pain it feels a different kind of pain
I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you.... babe
And I've always been the best man and friend for you
To love and make true and I dont know why
You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me
I'm running from
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
Be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
you just might get it all and then some
you dont want be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all
I'm going home to the place where I belong
Where your love has always been enough for me
And I'm running from..
you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home
4 months down the road
Hi, there... sorry it's been so long since I've checked in. Don't think for a minute that you haven't been with me and in my thoughts just about every minute of every day the past 4 months...
Yesterday, Nov. 18, marked 4 months since your death on July 18th. Thursday will be our first Thanksgiving without you here on earth. Everytime I think of mashed potatoes, I think of how you loved them. I made a bunch of pumpkin-pie cheesecakes this weekend. I remembered how we colored the filling one year and smiled at the memory. It was not as hard to make the cheesecake this time as the first time I made one after you were gone. But it still hurt and it still made me sad.
Pop Pop is coming down today. It will be the first time he's been at the house since before you died. I guess the last time he was here was for Easter. I can't believe how much time has gone by and the year is almost over. I am dreading New Year's this year. How on earth do we mark the beginning of a full calendar year without you here?
It is so strange, John. I know you are not here, but I still look for you. I hate the idea that I might see you in the shadows of a dark room, because that would mean that you are really gone from this earth. Oh, how I want for it to not be true. But at the same time I long for a sign that you are okay and that you are near. Good grief, but I miss you.
Your Dad is looking tired these days. I know he misses you but he doesn't talk much about you. There is such a burden on his heart because he misses his buddy. He's so lonely and broken-hearted without you, kiddo.
Mom actually brought up your death in conversation yesterday. She misses you, too. I think in some ways Thanksgiving will be hardest of all on her. She loved cooking for you, maybe even more than I did. Hard to believe, huh?
It all seems so unreal, John. I saw you in the hospital every day, and I watched you die. I saw you change before my eyes, and watched your body break down (which broke my heart). I saw your body at your funeral, but it didn't look like you. It looked like a bad stunt double. I just can't believe that you are gone. I can't accept that we won't see you again for a very long time, and never again in this place.
I cannot fathom this pain in my chest for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do for your Dad and I miss who he was before you died. I want us to be truly happy again, but I don't know if that is even possible. We are no longer just your parents. We have become a couple who have lost a child to drugs; to bad choices; to death.
Your Dad said you had to die so others would learn a lesson. I say that's a load of crap. There are so many other, better lessons that could have been learned by your example. I can't, I don't, and I won't accept his reason. You could have been, could have done, so much more, for so many. Your death was stupid and could have been prevented, but you made bad choices and although you paid the ultimate price, we have to bear the consequences.
But all that being said, John, I am so thankful to have had you in my life, even for a short time. We never felt like we had enough time with you and now we never will. I miss you, kiddo. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yesterday, Nov. 18, marked 4 months since your death on July 18th. Thursday will be our first Thanksgiving without you here on earth. Everytime I think of mashed potatoes, I think of how you loved them. I made a bunch of pumpkin-pie cheesecakes this weekend. I remembered how we colored the filling one year and smiled at the memory. It was not as hard to make the cheesecake this time as the first time I made one after you were gone. But it still hurt and it still made me sad.
Pop Pop is coming down today. It will be the first time he's been at the house since before you died. I guess the last time he was here was for Easter. I can't believe how much time has gone by and the year is almost over. I am dreading New Year's this year. How on earth do we mark the beginning of a full calendar year without you here?
It is so strange, John. I know you are not here, but I still look for you. I hate the idea that I might see you in the shadows of a dark room, because that would mean that you are really gone from this earth. Oh, how I want for it to not be true. But at the same time I long for a sign that you are okay and that you are near. Good grief, but I miss you.
Your Dad is looking tired these days. I know he misses you but he doesn't talk much about you. There is such a burden on his heart because he misses his buddy. He's so lonely and broken-hearted without you, kiddo.
Mom actually brought up your death in conversation yesterday. She misses you, too. I think in some ways Thanksgiving will be hardest of all on her. She loved cooking for you, maybe even more than I did. Hard to believe, huh?
It all seems so unreal, John. I saw you in the hospital every day, and I watched you die. I saw you change before my eyes, and watched your body break down (which broke my heart). I saw your body at your funeral, but it didn't look like you. It looked like a bad stunt double. I just can't believe that you are gone. I can't accept that we won't see you again for a very long time, and never again in this place.
I cannot fathom this pain in my chest for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do for your Dad and I miss who he was before you died. I want us to be truly happy again, but I don't know if that is even possible. We are no longer just your parents. We have become a couple who have lost a child to drugs; to bad choices; to death.
Your Dad said you had to die so others would learn a lesson. I say that's a load of crap. There are so many other, better lessons that could have been learned by your example. I can't, I don't, and I won't accept his reason. You could have been, could have done, so much more, for so many. Your death was stupid and could have been prevented, but you made bad choices and although you paid the ultimate price, we have to bear the consequences.
But all that being said, John, I am so thankful to have had you in my life, even for a short time. We never felt like we had enough time with you and now we never will. I miss you, kiddo. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
From me to you or from you to me?
You Know Where to Find Me / Matthew West
I saw your sky fall down today
Suddenly turn from blue to gray
'Til one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain from you
But I've never felt so helpless
It's like you're drowning right in front of me
And I'm reaching out but you can't see
There's something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all
I'll say to you tonight
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side
If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the whys
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to remember
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side
If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the why's
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to
I need you to remember
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side
I saw your sky fall down today
Suddenly turn from blue to gray
'Til one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain from you
But I've never felt so helpless
It's like you're drowning right in front of me
And I'm reaching out but you can't see
There's something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all
I'll say to you tonight
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side
If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the whys
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to remember
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side
If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the why's
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to
I need you to remember
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side
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